The Miraculous Healing Story of Sir Marcus Josephus McBridus Snailius
Part III: Does a Molluscan Judicial Officer Have Authority to BWOMP-YA Motions Questioning His Authority to BWOMP-YA Motions?
A fairy tale of revolutionary molluscan psychiatry, neurosecretory gratification, and the triumph of therapeutic slime production over unnecessary cognition.
We continue the exciting publications of THE SLIMY TALES!!! TADA!!!
You can immerse yourself in the miracle slimy world Part I - here, and Part II - here.
Chapter I. The Greatest Achievement in Molluscan Psychiatry
It was a glorious, damp morning at the Institute of Molluscan Behavioral Therapy.
Dr. Gaston Slug, M.D., Ph.D., F.A.M.P., the world's foremost authority on molluscan mental health, was preparing to announce the results of his most successful clinical experiment.
His celebrated patient, Sir Marcus Josephus McBridus Snailius, Custos Slimi, had achieved a state of mental health previously considered unattainable in judicial mollusks.
He had been completely liberated from cognitive responses incompatible with optimal slime production.
The treatment had required considerable scientific ingenuity.
Before entering the Institute, Sir Marcus had occasionally displayed alarming symptoms of juridical cognition.
Upon encountering a motion, his nervous system sometimes attempted to process its contents.
When confronted with a jurisdictional objection, he occasionally experienced a fleeting impulse to determine whether the objection had merit.
Worst of all, he had once exhibited a momentary neurological disturbance upon encountering the proposition that a judicial officer's authority must originate somewhere outside the judicial officer himself.
Such episodes were deeply concerning.
Every cognitive impulse consumed metabolic resources.
Every attempt at legal reasoning diverted energy from slime production.
And every moment spent contemplating the limits of judicial authority threatened the delicate neurosecretory equilibrium essential to molluscan happiness.
Fortunately, Dr. Gaston's revolutionary treatment had succeeded beyond his wildest expectations.
Sir Marcus now enjoyed perfect cognitive tranquility.
His eyestalks were bright.
His shell was magnificent.
His slime glands functioned at unprecedented capacity.
And whenever a motion appeared, he experienced an instantaneous, deeply gratifying neurological event.
BWOMP-YA!
Followed by a glorious discharge of slime.
Dr. Gaston was ecstatic.
Chapter II. The Anatomical Scandal
The Institute's first scientific controversy arose when a visiting neurologist, unfamiliar with molluscan anatomy, attempted to describe Sir Marcus's therapeutic response as a "knee-jerk reaction."
Dr. Gaston was horrified.
"Sir!" he exclaimed. "I must protest!"
The visitor looked surprised.
"Why, Doctor? It is a familiar neurological expression."
"Familiar, perhaps, to vertebrates! But molluscan judicial officers have no knees!"
The audience gasped.
"Furthermore," continued Dr. Gaston, "the expression is vulgar, dismissive, and profoundly disrespectful to the dignity of molluscan neurophysiology."
"But surely you agree that the response is automatic?"
"Automatic? My dear colleague, you have entirely missed the point! We are not observing some primitive muscular contraction. We are witnessing an exquisitely beneficial neurosecretory experience!"
Dr. Gaston strode to the blackboard.
With considerable ceremony, he wrote:
GASTONIAN INSTANTANEOUS NEUROSECRETORY GRATIFICATION RESPONSE™
GINGR™
A revolutionary therapeutic phenomenon in which an external jurisdictional stimulus bypasses all unnecessary cognitive processing and produces an immediate, pleasurable BWOMP-YA experience, accompanied by abundant secretion of premium judicial slime.
The audience rose to its feet.
Professor Archibald Slimesworth wiped away a tear.
"Magnificent, Gaston! You have restored scientific dignity to the entire field of reflexive molluscan jurisprudence!"
"Precisely," replied Dr. Gaston. "And unlike the anatomically impossible knee-jerk reaction, GINGR™ is specifically adapted to the physiology, psychology, and professional needs of judicial gastropods."
The visiting neurologist apologized.
He was subsequently reassigned to the Department of Vertebrate Misunderstandings.
Chapter III. The Motion That Threatened Molluscan Happiness
For several weeks, Sir Marcus enjoyed uninterrupted therapeutic bliss.
A motion arrived.
"BWOMP-YA!"
A magnificent secretion.
Another motion arrived.
"BWOMP-YA!"
An even more magnificent secretion.
Occasionally, Sir Marcus BWOMP-YA'd motions before they arrived, demonstrating what Dr. Gaston described as anticipatory neurosecretory optimization.
Then, one morning, a clerk entered carrying a particularly troublesome document.
"Your Honor, a motion has been filed."
"BWOMP-YA!" replied Marcus happily.
"But Your Honor, the motion questions your authority to BWOMP-YA motions."
Marcus paused.
His left eyestalk rotated clockwise.
His right eyestalk rotated counterclockwise.
For a terrifying fraction of a second, something resembling a thought threatened to emerge.
"MY AUTHORITY?"
"Yes, Your Honor."
"TO BWOMP-YA?"
"Precisely."
Marcus began to tremble.
The slime-production monitor registered a decline.
"DOCTOR GASTON!"
Within minutes, the Institute's emergency psychiatric team had assembled.
Dr. Gaston approached his patient.
"Marcus, tell me what happened."
"THEY FILED A MOTION!"
"And what did you do?"
"I BWOMP-YA'D IT!"
"Excellent!"
"AND PROMPTLY!"
"Splendid!"
"BUT DOCTOR! THE MOTION QUESTIONS WHETHER I HAVE AUTHORITY TO BWOMP-YA MOTIONS!"
Dr. Gaston stroked his chin.
He recognized an unprecedented therapeutic opportunity.
"Marcus, suppose somebody files a motion questioning your authority to BWOMP-YA a motion. What do you do?"
"I BWOMP-YA THAT MOTION TOO, OF COURSE! AND PROMPTLY!"
"Excellent! And suppose somebody files a motion questioning your authority to BWOMP-YA the motion questioning your authority to BWOMP-YA the original motion?"
"I BWOMP-YA THAT ONE TOO!"
"And the next?"
"BWOMP-YA!"
"And the next?"
"BWOMP-YA!"
"And the next?"
"BWOMP-YA!"
The slime-production monitor began registering extraordinary activity.
Dr. Gaston turned toward his colleagues.
"GENTLEMEN! WE HAVE DISCOVERED THE PRINCIPLE OF RECURSIVE NEUROSECRETORY GRATIFICATION!"
Chapter IV. The Infinite Gratification Experiment
The Institute immediately organized a controlled clinical trial.
Professor Slimesworth constructed a special apparatus consisting of an electronic motion feeder, a neurological monitor, and a calibrated slime reservoir.
The first document appeared.
MOTION NO. 1: CHALLENGE TO AUTHORITY TO BWOMP-YA
"BWOMP-YA!"
The monitor registered a powerful GINGR™.
The reservoir began filling.
A second document appeared.
MOTION NO. 2: CHALLENGE TO AUTHORITY TO BWOMP-YA MOTION NO. 1
"BWOMP-YA!"
An even stronger GINGR™.
The slime level rose.
A third document appeared.
MOTION NO. 3: CHALLENGE TO AUTHORITY TO BWOMP-YA MOTION NO. 2
"BWOMP-YA!"
The neurological monitor flashed:
MAXIMUM GRATIFICATION ACHIEVED.
But the experiment continued.
Motion No. 4.
"BWOMP-YA!"
Motion No. 5.
"BWOMP-YA!"
Motion No. 6.
"BWOMP-YA!"
Motion No. 7.
"BWOMP-YA!"
By noon, Sir Marcus had experienced 247 consecutive GINGRs™ without displaying a single measurable cognitive response.
The slime reservoir overflowed.
The laboratory floor disappeared beneath a glistening green lake.
Two research assistants floated into the corridor.
Professor Slimesworth examined the recordings.
"Gaston! This is extraordinary! The more seriously the patient's authority is questioned, the greater his neurosecretory gratification!"
Dr. Gaston was overcome with emotion.
"Of course! The objection is not an obstacle to treatment. It is the therapeutic stimulus itself!"
He turned toward the assembled researchers.
"Do you understand what this means? A single motion questioning judicial authority can generate an unlimited succession of pleasurable GINGRs™!"
The audience applauded.
Sir Marcus responded with another magnificent BWOMP-YA.
Chapter V. The Dangerous Temptation of Cognition
Unfortunately, not everyone at the Institute appreciated the miracle.
A young researcher named Percival Snail entered the laboratory carrying a volume of New York statutes.
"Dr. Gaston, may I ask a question?"
"Certainly, Percival, provided it does not disturb the patient's neurosecretory equilibrium."
"Does Sir Marcus actually possess the authority he claims?"
Dr. Gaston frowned.
"What an extraordinary question."
"Well, if he lacks subject matter jurisdiction, his declaration that he possesses it cannot create it."
"Percival, please!"
"And if Judiciary Law § 14 disqualifies him from participating in a proceeding, his decision to participate cannot repeal the statute."
"Percival, you are upsetting the patient!"
"And if a motion challenges the legal validity of his previous orders, disposing of that motion does not establish that the previous orders were valid."
The neurological monitor began flashing.
WARNING: COGNITIVE CONTAMINATION DETECTED.
Sir Marcus trembled.
"DOCTOR..."
"Yes, Marcus?"
"WHAT IF..."
"NO, MARCUS! NEVER ASK WHAT IF!"
"What if I don't actually..."
"THINK OF LETTUCE!"
"...have authority?"
A terrible silence descended upon the laboratory.
The slime-production monitor registered a catastrophic decline.
Professor Slimesworth fainted.
Dr. Gaston recognized the emergency immediately.
His patient was experiencing a dangerous relapse into juridical cognition.
Chapter VI. The Miraculous Restoration
"QUICK!" shouted Dr. Gaston. "BRING THE THERAPEUTIC MOTION FEEDER!"
The assistants wheeled in the apparatus.
Dr. Gaston seized a blank motion form.
"Marcus! Look at me!"
Marcus stared weakly.
"Somebody has filed a motion."
A faint glimmer appeared in the patient's eyestalks.
"Yes..."
"The motion questions your authority."
Marcus stirred.
"To do what?"
"To BWOMP-YA motions."
His slime glands began twitching.
"And, Marcus, the motion also questions your authority to decide whether you possess authority to BWOMP-YA motions."
"DOCTOR..."
"Yes, Marcus?"
"CAN I..."
"YES, MARCUS! YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!"
"CAN I BWOMP-YA IT?"
"OF COURSE!"
"AND IF THEY QUESTION MY AUTHORITY TO BWOMP-YA IT?"
"WHAT DO YOU DO, MARCUS?"
"I BWOMP-YA THAT MOTION TOO!"
"AND HOW QUICKLY?"
"PROMPTLY!"
A tremendous GINGR™ swept through the patient's nervous system.
BWOMP-YA!
A magnificent torrent of slime erupted.
The reservoir burst.
The laboratory flooded.
Three assistants were swept into the courtyard.
Professor Slimesworth's spectacles floated past the observation window.
Dr. Gaston stood triumphantly in the rising green waters.
"HE'S CURED! HE'S CURED!"
Chapter VII. The Ultimate Scientific Breakthrough
The Institute convened an extraordinary scientific conference.
Dr. Gaston presented his findings.
"Gentlemen, we have established that the healthiest judicial mollusk is one who experiences no cognitive interference between a jurisdictional stimulus and the resulting BWOMP-YA."
He displayed the patient's neurological pathway:
JURISDICTIONAL OBJECTION
↓
COMPLETE COGNITIVE BYPASS
↓
GINGR™
↓
BWOMP-YA!
↓
MAXIMUM SLIME PRODUCTION
The audience applauded.
A visiting professor raised a tentacle.
"But Doctor, how does the patient determine whether he possesses the authority to BWOMP-YA the motion?"
Dr. Gaston smiled.
"My dear colleague, that is precisely the cognitive pathology we have successfully eliminated."
"But surely the patient must distinguish between having authority and exercising it?"
"Why?"
"Because the exercise of authority does not establish its existence."
Dr. Gaston sighed.
"Professor, you are thinking like a vertebrate."
The audience murmured disapprovingly.
"Here at the Institute, we do not burden our patients with such unnecessary distinctions. We are concerned with molluscan mental health, not the preservation of obsolete cognitive habits."
"But what happens when the motion specifically questions the patient's authority to dispose of that very motion?"
Dr. Gaston's face lit up.
"Ah! Now you have reached the most exciting aspect of our discovery!"
He approached the blackboard.
"A motion questioning authority produces one GINGR™. A motion questioning authority to dispose of that motion produces another. A motion questioning authority to dispose of the second motion produces yet another."
He drew a magnificent spiral.
"Each challenge generates a new opportunity for therapeutic gratification!"
"But where does the authority originate?"
Dr. Gaston looked astonished.
"Authority? My dear Professor, you have entirely misunderstood the experiment. We are not manufacturing authority."
He gestured toward the enormous reservoir of judicial slime.
"WE ARE MANUFACTURING HAPPINESS!"
The auditorium erupted in applause.
Epilogue. A Perfectly Healthy Judicial Mollusk
Years later, visitors to the Institute could still observe Sir Marcus Josephus McBridus Snailius, Custos Slimi, enjoying the fruits of Dr. Gaston's miraculous therapy.
He sat upon a magnificent velvet cushion.
Before him stood an electronic motion feeder.
Beside him, an enormous slime reservoir.
A document appeared.
"Your Honor, this motion challenges your subject matter jurisdiction—"
"BWOMP-YA!"
A glorious GINGR™.
Another document.
"Your Honor, this motion questions your authority to dispose of the previous motion—"
"BWOMP-YA!"
Another magnificent GINGR™.
A third document.
"Your Honor, this motion challenges your authority to decide whether you have authority—"
"BWOMP-YA!"
The slime flowed freely.
Dr. Gaston watched affectionately through the observation window.
"Magnificent," he whispered.
Professor Slimesworth nodded.
"Not a single independent thought in seven consecutive months."
"And the slime?"
"Record production, Doctor."
At that moment, a young medical student approached.
"Dr. Gaston, may I ask something?"
"Certainly."
"If Sir Marcus has been completely cured of the capacity to consider whether he possesses authority, how can he determine whether he has authority to BWOMP-YA a motion questioning his authority?"
Dr. Gaston smiled indulgently.
"My dear young man, you have misunderstood the entire purpose of the treatment."
"How so?"
"He doesn't determine it."
The student looked confused.
"Then what does he do?"
From the therapeutic chamber came a tremendous roar.
BWOMP-YA!
A fresh torrent of slime cascaded into the reservoir.
Dr. Gaston spread his arms triumphantly.
"THERE! YOU SEE? THAT IS WHAT PERFECT MOLLUSCAN MENTAL HEALTH LOOKS LIKE!"
And Sir Marcus continued happily BWOMP-YA'ing motions questioning his authority to BWOMP-YA motions, enjoying an endless succession of glorious GINGRs™, without ever experiencing the slightest cognitive inconvenience.
A psychiatric molluscan intern timidly raised a tentacle.
"Dr. Gaston, doesn't Sir Marcus eventually get bored of BWOMP-YA'ing?"
Dr. Gaston stared at the intern in astonishment.
"Bored? My dear young colleague, boredom requires cognition! And cognition is precisely the pathological condition from which we have so successfully cured him!"
"But surely repetition—"
"Repetition? Every BWOMP-YA produces a fresh Gastonian Instantaneous Neurosecretory Gratification Response! Every new motion is a new opportunity for happiness!"
"And if the motions are identical?"
"Even better! No danger of an unfamiliar stimulus provoking thought!"
Dr. Gaston pointed proudly toward the observation chamber.
"Observe! Seven hundred consecutive BWOMP-YAs. Not a trace of boredom. Not a flicker of cognition. And the slime production is still increasing!"
The intern looked impressed.
"So the patient is permanently happy?"
"Provided the motions keep coming."
From the observation chamber came a delighted cry.
"BWOMP-YA!"
Dr. Gaston sighed with professional satisfaction.
"Fortunately, his litigants are extraordinarily devoted to his continued mental health."
THE END — UNTIL THE NEXT MOTION.
The Institute of Molluscan Behavioral Therapy reminds readers that knee-jerk reactions are anatomically inapplicable to judicial gastropods. All therapeutic BWOMP-YA responses described herein are scientifically classified as Gastonian Instantaneous Neurosecretory Gratification Responses™ and should be celebrated as manifestations of optimal molluscan mental health.
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