Tourists come to Delaware County for:
- mountains,
- rivers,
- covered bridges,
- and charming small towns.
What they do not realize is that beneath the picturesque scenery lies a hereditary vampire dynasty with pension benefits.
Observe the evolutionary cycle carefully.
First came Dick Northrup:
- longtime DA,
- institutional patriarch,
- builder of prosecutorial gravity itself.
Under King Dick served loyal ADA John — later to become:
The Hon. John “The InkPot” Hubbard,
patron saint of racially inappropriate courtroom commentary and future Lord of Family Court.
Then the first metamorphosis occurred.
Dick evolved upward into County Judge.
At which point Hubbard molted seamlessly into DA.
This was not considered unusual in Delaware County because the County already operated under the ancient doctrine:
“Why hire strangers when the same six people can rotate forever?”
Then came the second metamorphosis.
Dick resigned from the bench.
John The InkPot ascended into judgeship.
Shawn Smith became DA.
And Dick — having now:
- prosecuted felony cases,
- supervised prosecutors,
- become judge,
- left judgeship,
- and re-entered prosecution —
returned majestically as ADA under Shawn Smith, reportedly presenting grand jury felony matters to:
John The InkPot -
Who had previously served:
- under Dick,
- after Dick,
- and before Dick returned to prosecute before him again.
At this point even the laws of chronology filed for early retirement.
Especially because with him, Dick brought back to DA's office - no, not another Bowie, another Dick - now called the "little Eric" - the Senior Meals hero, the child advocate, the Walton village deputy mayor - and the keeper of the traffic ticket fabrication (or drug forfeiture?) money-pot for the vampire family clan.
This is not a legal system anymore.
This is a Vampire Empire community theater production where all official vampires keeps changing costumes but nobody leaves the stage. Who would - with such vampire family benefits?
The beauty of the system lies in its efficiency.
Why waste taxpayer resources on:
- institutional independence,
- fresh perspectives,
- or separation of functions,
when the same people can simply:
- prosecute each other’s cases,
- replace each other’s offices,
- supervise each other’s careers,
- and later preside over one another’s felony presentations?
In larger jurisdictions this might create:
- ethical panic,
- newspaper investigations,
- legislative hearings,
- or documentaries narrated by exhausted British actors.
In DelCo it creates:
continuity.
And somewhere deep in the mountains, a confused outsider holding a Constitution quietly asks:
“Wait… is this normal?”
At which point the entire County labyrinth turns slowly in unison and replies:
“FRIVOLOUS.”
The Vampire Empire has even more vampire family benefits.
In most empires, people apply for jobs.
In DelCo, jobs simply migrate through bloodlines like spawning salmon.
The process is elegant.
A Bowie hatches in the Sheriff’s Department, migrates briefly through Probation, mates in a patrol car near DSS, and eventually returns upstream to a County vehicle with lights on top, unscathed.
A Bowie might even slam that patrol vehicle into a citizen or two, throw a facer at a girlfriend - or three, and have their victim put in jail for scratching his shin while being dragged on the floor - why not?
A Covell would kill a father of two, escape - as royalty should - with a slap on her dainty wrist, morph into a respectable Taggart, assess taxes, sell real estate for a profit she just created by raising taxes, and - briefly, but scandalously - Chair the Royal Repub... oh, Vampire Party dinners.
And so the spawning continues.
A Kelso here and a Kelso there.
A Bishop here and a Bishop - right over there.
A Faulkner here - and a Faulkner here again.
A Moshier here - and a Moshier there.
A big Morgan here - and a vociferous Reihert-Morgan over there.
Biologists remain baffled.
The County insists this is all coincidence.
Researchers attempting to map the ecosystem were last seen wandering through:
- WAC,
- Delaware Opportunities,
- code enforcement,
- assessor offices,
- party meetings,
-
and opioid task-force committees,
muttering:
“Wait… why is everybody here also over there?”
At the center of the maze sits the ancient DelCo aristocracy, the M&M&M&M Royal Vampire Council.
It reigns. Magnanimously. Contentedly.
Because - you know what - the fresh mountain air will take care of all the stink, after all.
It always does.
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